I’ve been dealing with recurring bouts of depression since I was a kid. I’ve been prescribed medication at different times to help out, but whether on or off medication, boosting yourself out of depression is difficult work. I’ve by no means conquered it (I can still get pretty deep if I’m not careful), but I have learned some behavioral tools along the way that help me get out of depression consistently. These tools are also great for staying out of depression if you’re prone to it like I am.
I am not a psychologist or other kind of medical professional. If you’re depressed, you should definitely see a therapist and ask someone you trust for help. At the time of writing this I’m seeing a therapist regularly (in good and bad times) and it helps.
Chances are that if you are depressed, doing anything feels difficult.
How are you going to boost yourself out of depression when it seems like moving heaven and earth just to take a shower or make a sandwich? It isn’t going to be easy, but it’ll be easier if you start with small, consistent steps. Slow and steady. There is no “right” way – some things will work, or work sometimes, or won’t work at all for you even though they’ve worked for me.
These three paths should be treated like a self-tested science experiment—figure out what works for you and discard the rest.
One: This makes me feel good, that makes me feel bad
I discovered this method by observing how my son Zion approached his own mental health and life experience. Essentially, your work is to note what make you feel good and what doesn’t make you feel good and make adjustments to your choices based upon those observations. If you have trouble knowing what feels good and bad – this may not be a great place to start. In that case, try starting with emotion identification (path two) until you get to the point where you can more easily identify your emotions.
To be especially effective for depression, this approach must be centered completely around things that are in your control. Things that are “in your control” are things you can decide or do for yourself without dependence on anyone else. So much of depression is feeling like everything is just happening to you. It’s hard to see your own agency sometimes, but if you take some time to observe and consider it, you’ll find countless decisions each day that are under your direct control.
Make a “things that make me feel bad” list
Start by making a list of things you do that generate negative feelings in the long run. One item on my “feel bad” list is overeating (feels great in the short term but terrible later). Don’t get too fussy about what’s on the list. Start it, and add more to it over time. Some things will feel bad in some contexts and not others—make note of that.
Make a “things that make me feel good” list
Make a second list of things you do that generate positive feelings in the long run. Same concept as the “bad” list, but this time with things that feel good to you, or cause you to have positive feelings about yourself or life in general. It’s really important that you stick to solo activities or decisions that are under your control. Why? Because feeling depressed is a kind of “stuck” feeling—and when things are under your control it’s easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially as you experiment and have some success.
Optimize your life for the good stuff
Once you’ve got the lists, keep them somewhere visible so you see them nearly every day. If you skip this, you’ll forget or lose sight of how much you can actually change about your daily experience of life.
Now for the real work: as you make choices during the day, use your awareness (the lists!) to guide your choices so that you’re optimizing for the good stuff. All you have to do is make more of the decisions that promote positive emotions, and make less of the decisions that promote negative emotions.
Start with one thing. Add or remove it to your life (depending on which list it is) for a couple of weeks and see if that has any impact. Add a new one each week. Keep doing what works. Don’t get too concerned about habits and consistency at first, just keep testing and trying. Once you’ve consistently removed or added a behavior, give it a little checkbox or highlight it on your list. The first year I did this, it took me about 9 months to highlight all of the items on each list, and by the time I got there, I was feeling pretty great about life!
Two: Emotional awareness and gratitude practice
This approach probably has the lowest barrier to entry. The main goal here is to start being more aware of your thoughts and feelings, while also being purposeful about experiencing gratitude. Ideally, this would be accompanied by mindfulness meditation practice, but you don’t have to do a meditation practice to start practicing mindfulness – these exercises are a step in that direction.
Identify your emotions
Spend a quiet minute or two each morning before the whirlwind of life starts, and “check-in” with yourself to Identify your primary emotions at that moment. If you’ve have a meditation practice, a natural place for this activity would be right after or right before your practice.
Identifying your emotions might not come easily for you—everyone is different and some have more practice with it—but it’s key to understanding yourself and building toward a more consistent self-awareness.
Here’s how to do it. Use a big list of emotions (like this one here) and look at it until you find a few that fit well. You don’t have to analyze why or figure out how to change it. Just sit with your feelings, identify them as accurately as you can, and sit with them some more. At some point you may be motivated to write about what you’re feeling or analyze your emotions further, but it’s not necessary at this point, so don’t sweat it. Simply focusing on naming your emotions and sitting with them is a really big start.
Practice gratitude
Depression can feel like a black hole. In that nasty web of ruminating and distorted thoughts, it can be difficult to see or connect with anything good. Thinking and writing about what you feel thankful for can be a powerful tool to redirect your attention.
In the morning: just after or before you’ve had your emotions “check-in,” get out a scrap of paper or a journal, and try to write a list of 5-10 things you feel thankful for. If you can’t make it to ten (or five), that’s OK! If it’s similar each day, that’s OK! The important thing is to bring your attention to gratitude.
In the evening: write a list of three specific things from the day that you felt thankful for. The number of things isn’t important, but training yourself to reflect on the day with gratitude is.
Three: Meditation and exercise
Without question the best advice for dealing with depression that seems to work for most people is a combo of daily meditation and exercise. I’m not saying this just because it’s been effective for me, it’s also the most researched and scientifically proven method for enhancing well-being. That said, I avoided this approach for twenty years because it’s hard work. It is very effective for me—but it’s a heavy lift—much harder to get started during a depression. If this approach interests you, and you feel like stepping into it, I would do the following:
Start a near-daily mindfulness meditation practice
Start a mindfulness meditation practice with a guided meditation app. I have friends who use Headspace and love it. I’ve heard people say good things about Calm. I personally have been using Sam Harris “Waking Up” app and i’m pretty happy it. I don’t think it matters much which one, just pick one, pay the subscription, and find a place and time when you can commit to starting a practice.
I would suggest first thing in the morning, because random “stuff” won’t get in the way as easily in the morning, and it also sets a nice tone for the rest of the day. Start with 5 or 10 minutes a day, or whatever your chosen app’s daily guided app wants you to do. Commit to doing it ~5x a week for a month and see what happens.
Mindfulness meditation is something that is foundational and so very very useful for any work you do on battling depression because gaining a better understanding and awareness of your thoughts and emotions is key to the scientific approach to feeling better.
Start a daily exercise (or movement) routine
Start really small with exercise if you don’t already have a “movement” routine in your life. Maybe for you it’s taking a walk each day, or trying to take a certain number of steps each day. Whatever you choose, it should be something that requires you to change your normal behavior to complete the goal, but not too difficult to achieve. If walking ain’t your thing, maybe it’s going to they gym or running or a fitness machine you have at home. Whatever it may be, start out committing to exercise 4 or more times a week. Moving your body will help, it doesn’t have to be “athletic” to count.
And there you have it, three different paths toward getting the upper hand on depression. Perhaps you’re feeling overwhelmed or confused about which path you should take. In that case, pick the one approach that feels easiest to you. Start there. And because it’s your experience, take what works for YOU and build on it.
YOU GOT THIS!
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